"In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
Oh, they can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you."
Full Lyrics
Those lyrics are the chorus of Eminem's song "Beautiful" from his Relapse: Refill album.
Today is one of those hard days, it started bad, and it'll end bad too. My parents don't understand what it's like to feel like this, but they'll still throw the "We're tired too!" line at me, and tell me to get over it. People get tired, and everyone has to struggle, blahblahblah. They're right about that, but they're wrong about another thing. Sometimes I wish I was one of those narcoleptics that fell asleep randomly instead of letting people push me to my limit until I crash.
I'm gonna get all metaphorical and shit on ya now.
Sometimes it feels like I'm running on full steam, and at first, I'm fine. My brain and my determination (aka stubbornness due to extreme mania) tells me that I can beat everybody on the planet in a foot race. Watch me, I'm super man! After a few miles of the constant going and going and going I'm slowing down, I'm burning out, and my body is starting to get weary. Suddenly I have 3 people behind me: One runs next to me whispering little evils in my ears, one runs behind me with a whip, and every time I slow down I get another lashing, the third runs in front of me backwards...facing me, taunting me, and telling me that I'm a weakling.
I get a second wind, and my body and brain start running like a cold-hard machine, I lose all emotion, and I'm just going. One foot in front of the other while my mind blanks out. The lashings are numb, the evils are silent whispers in the back of my mind, the taunter has turned into the reason why I'm still going. The evils are pressing me, and I'm trying to catch the taunter so I can take the beaters whip and unleash my frustration on to the world.
They're stronger than me though, aren't they? I realize this and then all of the sudden my face is in the dirt, my knees and elbows are bloody and bruised, my body has given up, my mind has shriveled, and my essence is broken.
Right now, my knees and elbows are bloodied and bruised, and I just spit out a few broken bloody teeth. Tears are streaking my face, but my determination and will to fight is still there in the back of my mind.
I feel defeated, sure, but I'm not done. It's one thing to complain a few times on public sites, social websites like facebook, and twitter, but if it's all you do then people get annoyed with you. Shit, I get annoyed with people who do nothing but complain. It's fucking depressing. Shut up, and change something in your life, make it better.
But let me put it to you this way, about how I feel right now, and I'm praying that it wont last too long, because if it does I'm gonna start crawling in the mud until I run myself ten feet under.
Imagine that one thing you're so passionate about being taken away from you. Not taken away, but more so, you had to make a choice between the thing you're passionate about and your future. There's no physical way to do both things. You pick your future, and now your passion, and your outlet is gone.
Now, imagine a small rubber band that's been turning a larger belt for years and years, and it finally snaps. The large belt stops turning in a controlled pace, and now it's out of control. There's no way to fix that small rubber band, so you have to replace it with a synthetic "new and improved" belt to help control the larger belt. That synthetic belt has different parts involved for it to work properly, and there's gotta be some tweaks and turns and some different oils here and there, twist this knob, turn that dial. Now the larger belt is in control, but it's moving much slower than it did before. Over time the larger belt will adjust to the new level of control, and everything will even out again, but for now that old larger belt is struggling to keep moving.
In non metaphorical terms...the things I was passionate about have been taken from me, but by choice, for my future, my mind snapped and now I'm being chemically altered. Day to day it feels like I am dragging two 50lb weights by my ankles. My knees give out, my head hurts, my heart palpitates, my intestines are giving me complete hell, and all I get all day long is "you can do better, stop faking it."
"Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, they can all get fucked, just stay true to you."
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