Today is not an easy day.

I got woken up at 7:30 by the very loud crash of a branch falling on my roof due to the thunderstorms that have been ripping through my state for the past two days. Before going back to sleep I decided that I was going to check my email and see if anything that was super important was in there.

The first thing I see is "URGENT" and I'm thinking "god damn it" as I forward it off to another member of my committee. She's away, but then I wake up again later, due to another thunderstorm, and see that this URGENT email has been sent to like EVERY email address on the planet. Which causes world-wide panic. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with this.

Today is not an easy day. I have set myself a goal of doing 3 loads of laundry, dried, folded, and put away by the end of the night. My Dad is now coming to pick me up and take me to the grocery store so I can get some foods to eat since I am constantly nauseous, and have little to no interest in eating food, which isn't helping my energy levels.

I took my medicine late, because I couldn't find the strength to sit up in my bed to drink my water or reach my pill case....after I did that I finally decided I needed to get up and get something to eat....I collapsed halfway down the stairs. I didn't fall per say...my knees just gave out and I ended up sitting there, dizzy, and exhausted for about 5 minutes before I forced myself to stand up and continue the rest of the way down the stairs.
Last night was the first night I took the full dose of depakote 750mg. I can say that the dizziness I get has improved, my mania is completely gone, but now I feel angry and depressed. Though I feel like it's situational, and not an uncontrollable thing. I'm angry because without begging I'm reaching out for help, and have received some, for those of you who have offered help I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel depressed because I'm currently coming to terms that I might not be able to do any of the things I wanted to do. At least not for a long time. I wanted to return to derby skating in 2013...but if my neurologist is worried that if I get another head injury I could worsen myself, then I might not be allowed to.

If any of my friends know me well enough, they know I wont listen to this advice, but at the same time....I guess I just really have to learn the risks.

I currently take a cocktail of 10 pills per day, and that's cutting out 3 additional ones that I need, but I refuse to take while adjusting to this medicine due to the havoc that they reap on my stomach.

My birthday is in 3 days. I'm afraid the only thing I'll have energy for is going to therapy, and if my friends want to take me to a quiet dinner they can....but I don't even know that I'll have the energy for that.

I want my old life back. I want it back so so bad.